Breakups are pretty much the worst...but they teach you a lot. It takes a long time to heal and gain perspective, but when you're on the other side it's beautiful. Here are a few things I learned along the way.
The boy looked at me like I was magic.
He did for a while. He called me beautiful and smart and sexy and he listened when I talked about what my wedding dress was going to look like and why my five year plan is so important to me. He kissed me on the forehead and he was honest. I loved him.
We got together my freshman year of college just hours after I swore I was done talking to guys. I literally laid in the floor of my friends’ room and wailed about how every man ever was cancelled and I had it up to here with the shenanigans. And I meant it. I went to my room and turned on my India Arie and got ready for this party in peace, and I made a promise to myself that I wouldn’t give my number out to anyone.
We get to the party and I start dancing. Y’all probably know how college parties go so I’ll skip the rigmarole but I started dancing with this one guy and naturally, I looked to my roommate to see if he was cute. She nodded, and I kept dancing. It was time to go. He asked for my number and I thought if I just acted like I didn’t hear him he would let it go, but no, the boy was persistent. He asked again, and I had no willpower so I gave it to him. And the rest is kind of history.
We were together for a year and we broke up over what seems like nothing now. But I’ll save that for another post. These are some things I learned from that relationship. If you’re freshly in love, or you’re a seasoned vet, or you’re single I hope these little lessons help you in whatever stage you find yourself.
1. Guard your heart
I fall so fast. As in within three weeks, I realized that I loved him. (yeah yeah yeah, say what you want but that’s my truth). This speed was nothing new though. I’ve always fallen pretty fast and it’s never gotten me into trouble in the past but looking back now, it couldn’t have hurt for me to slow down. I live by the whole open book policy but maybe that’s not the best when first meeting someone. For me it’s not. I had always heard about guarding your heart in devotionals and stuff but I never really thought about it and now I know that it’s super important. I know that I can’t just let it all hang out within the first 2 weeks. You’ve gotta give people time to take off their mask so that you can decide if they’re even worth sharing certain things with. Now this is not to say that my ex wasn’t worth it, because I think he was, but it can be dangerous if you go pouring yourself out to people who don’t deserve it.
2. You can’t be together 24/7
We were literally inseparable and our “honeymoon’ phase lasted for about 6 months. I always wanted to be with him and i think that’s normal, but I wish we were more intentional about spending adequate time apart. Towards the end of our relationship, we were in such a routine and spending so much time together started to weigh on us and caused us to nag and get annoyed by things that otherwise wouldn’t matter. So if you’re in that stage right now, I encourage you to make sure you spend time away from your person so that you don’t drive each other crazy.
3. be clear about your likes and dislikes
I like to think of myself as a very no nonsense woman who knows what she wants, which is true most of the time. But that doesn’t mean that I always make my needs and wants known...so I’m working on that. But there were definitely times when I was silent when I shouldn’t have been. If your partner doesn’t know what you need or want, how do you expect them to give it to you? This is the part where you have to be a big girl and tell them straight up. Easier said than done but it’s really important.
4. knowing how and when to make up is the hard part
I never thought that we would start arguing like we did. We got along so well for so long that when things started to get heated I was honestly surprised. It was a bunch of petty stuff that we would argue about but our real issue was that we didn’t know how and when to make up. We would drag stuff out and then come back together like nothing ever happened. That was bad. Because we never really talked about things and made up, nothing ever really got resolved. Me talking to you and me: next time you fight with your person, huff and puff and do what you need to do but make sure you talk about it together. It’ll change the trajectory of everything, I promise.
5. don't miss the chance to learn about yourself
I learned a lot of things about me that I never really wanted to know. Especially towards the end. I learned what i thought i needed vs what i really needed. I learned little quirky things that were attractive to me. I learned how to cater my communication style to fit another human that I cared so much about. I learned that I had a lot of growing to do too and I learned that I was very sensitive. He taught me that, so I’m grateful to him for that. Even if things aren’t how you’d like them to be, think about all you’ve learned in the process and thank the relationship for the lessons.
That’s all for now. I wish you luck in whatever stage you’re in and I love you for reading. Comment and let me know what you learned from your last relationship!